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I have a new archnemesis and his name is James Gunn...

"Dear James Gunn,

I hate you sooooo much and want to crane kick you in your extremely talented, highly successful face much like Daniel LaRusso did to Johnny Lawrence at the Under 18 All Valley Karate Championships.

You and I are both natives of St. Louis, MO and are truly kids of the ‘70’s and ‘80’s (I am nestled exactly two years in-between you and your younger brother, the equally talented Sean Gunn.) I am always excited and happy to see someone local make it big…except for Jon Hamm. That dude is seriously too handsome AND an incredibly talented actor. Oh, and he’s funny on top it! Screw that guy! Wait, my Jon Hamm rage is distracting me…

Where was I? Oh, right…James, you suck! It’s not enough that you wrote a great remake of one of the all-time great horror movies with Dawn of the Dead. Then, you had to go be just as successful writing the two live-action Scooby Doo movies (and even had the good sense to make Scrappy-Doo a villain. Brilliant!) How do you follow that up? You make your directorial debut with the awesome throwback horror/comedy Slither. You build a talented repertory company of actors including Michael Rooker, Gregg Henry, Nathan Fillion, and others to work with. You come up with a very heartfelt, crazy, emotional take on real world superheroes with the Rainn Wilson/Ellen Page starring Super. For most people, that would be enough. James Gunn? Not so much.

You get the gig directing Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy. Do you play it safe? No, sir. You take the huge budget and say “I’m going to use ‘Come and Get Your Love’ by Redbone as my opening credits theme. I’m going to have Vin Diesel say ‘I am Groot.’ I’ll even have Cosmo the space dog make a cameo.” Knowhere, the Milano, Michael Rooker as Yondu, Blue Swede, having Karen Gillan shave her head, and the post-credit surprise are all crazy ideas that are now reality because of your vision.

Thanks a lot, Jerk! You’ve set the bar incredibly high for the rest of us. You’ve proven Joss Whedon isn’t the only one around who can do fun, humorous action that still has emotional weight and end of the world/universe consequences. Space Opera is now more than just Star Wars thanks to you.

The worst part is you made a movie that had me smiling five minutes into it and kept me smiling until the very last credit rolled. You made Chris Pratt a huge star and reminded people that movies are supposed to be fun. I haven’t stopped listening to the music all weekend thanks to you! I hope you’re proud of yourself!

I have spent the last 15 years having my sci-fi adventure The Swindlers of Doom compared to Firefly/Serenity (another franchise that I love.) Now, I have to look forward to people saying, “The Swindlers of Doom? Sounds like The Guardians of the Galaxy.”Hmmmm…on second thought, I’m ok with that.

Jim Yelton"

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